Why her? Why him?
by ohmysally
Summary: Gillian's determined to get Caroline, Caroline wants Gillian but thinks she's straight, she then asks herself "why him?" when she finds out about Gillian sleeping with John and Gillian askes herself "why her?" when Caroline asks Kate to move in, will they get together? or wont they?
1. Chapter 1 feelings

As Caroline and Gillian sat in the hospital canteen, Caroline began to confide in Gillian explaining how she wasn't ready for her relationship with Kate to be made public. Yet, Caroline couldn't control that, as everyone already knew.

Gillian sat opposite, facing Caroline, her hands firmly wrapped around a warm cup of tea, listening to every word Caroline said. She was watching every small movement Caroline made. Analysing her every move, the way she crinkled her nose when she was talking about something she didn't particularly like, made Gillian's stomach do backflips. The feeling she got when she was with Caroline was a feeling she had never experienced before. Caroline fascinated her, everything about her was interesting to Gillian, and she could quite happily be sat in her company for days on end and not be phased in the slightest.

Gillian wished that she was in Kate's position. She wished when Caroline spoke about these things she does with Kate that it was with her instead, she wished Caroline looked at her the way she looked at Kate. She wanted Caroline with every inch of her being, yet she would never dare to say anything.

"Er, I need to tell you this thing," Gillian blurted out, not thinking. The lying was killing her, eating her alive inside, she couldn't keep it bottled up in anymore, and she knew this revelation could wreck their friendship, but she had to be honest. Caroline looked puzzled.

"Okay," Caroline said, looking at Gillian as she looked back down to her plate, she was smiling as she continued to eat.

"You're going to think I'm a complete dip-stick by the time I've told you this, but I'd rather be upfront about it, and then, you know, then we could move forward or not," Gillian continued trying to pluck up the courage to tell her what she was about to reveal, she took a short pause before beginning a new sentence. "Ok, so, first of all I don't regret it, I don't regret anything, I make a point of not regretting things..." she realised in her head, in her heart how much she was lying, of course she regretted it, she regretted it more than Caroline would ever understand. "However…" and before she could continue, Caroline looked at her with a slight smile on her face, as she nodded her head.

"You slept with John," Caroline joked, laughing. Not expecting that to be what Gillian was trying to tell her. "Oh my god, you really did sleep with John." Caroline said, her face going stern, just looking at Gillian trying to work out every emotion she was allowing to be on display. Caroline felt her heart sink, like she had been stabbed multiple times. She wasn't hurt or angry because Gillian had slept with John; she was hurt and angry because she couldn't bear the thought of Gillian being with anyone else in that way. She couldn't take anything in. Jealousy was taking over.

Caroline decided to try laugh it off, she started asking Gillian what it was like and telling her that she was welcome to him, where in fact she just wanted the ground to open up and swallow her, she wanted to run for the hills as fast as she could but she didn't, she continued to sit there smiling, smirking in her own little way. Finally, luckily, Celia joined them in the canteen and said visiting times were over, Caroline quickly stood up and walked away, she was holding back tears, she needed to get out of that situation as quick as she could.

Celia could feel the tension between the girls but thought nothing of it. As they were in the car on the way home the atmosphere was cold, Celia, sat in the middle of the women, separating them. No one said anything until Celia said "If I lost him.." Finally, both women spoke at the same time for the sake of Celia.

Once they got back to Gillian's house, they all settled down with a cup of tea, in front of the fire. Neither women could bear to look at each other, Caroline was so hurt she felt like she was about to be sick. She stood up and walked away to get her coat, as she picked up her coat, Celia asked what was wrong. "Nothing, I'm just going to go home, I need to go home." Caroline said out of ear shot distance from Gillian.

"Is there something between you girls?" Celia asked, while Caroline felt like saying how much she wished there was and that they were a serious couple, she simply just said…

"She slept with John." Nothing more to it, no explanation, just the four words that shattered her heart earlier on that evening. After a short pause, she continued, "She just told me, it was on my- our birthday." The more Caroline continued to tell her mother the more she was realising she was sounding extremely jealous, she quickly tried to cover it up with, "Sorry, I think I'm just in shock."

Gillian was sneakily watching from the window, making sure none of the women outside could see her watching, she had a feeling she knew exactly what the topic of conversation between them was: HER. She was watching every move Caroline made, trying to work out from her body language what she was truly feeling, Gillian knew she couldn't be 'fine' with everything. Gillian noticed Caroline scrunch up her nose and from that alone, she knew she was talking about something she didn't like. Gillian took one last look at the love of her life before sulking back into the kitchen to make Celia a cup of tea.

Caroline gave her mother a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek. Celia held her at arm's length and looked at Caroline, she analysed her face, trying to figure some sort of emotion from her facial expressions, for the first time ever, she didn't know what her daughter was feeling. Caroline smiled as her mother let go of her arms, she turned to walk away and headed to her car.

As she pulled open the driver's door and placed her hand bag on the empty passenger seat, she waved her mother good-bye, she put the key in the ignition and began to drive, in silence, as soon as she was out of sight from her mother, and she broke down in tears and cried like she had never cried before.

As Celia went back into the house, she couldn't bear to look at Gillian, she knew her daughter was hurting but she didn't know the real reason why. Celia was too nice to say anything at that moment in time, she assumed Gillian regretted it and didn't need it being brought back up, so she retired to bed for the evening.

On the journey home, Caroline managed to pull herself together and think realistically, well what was real to her anyway, all sorts of thoughts running through her head, _'there's no way Gillian will ever love me, the way I love her, I have Kate, I love Kate, no, no, I don't, I love Gillian, Gillian's straight, but I used to be straight? No, Caroline, shut up. Why did she sleep with John? Why him?'_ These were just some of the thoughts running through Caroline's mind.

As she pulled into her drive, her phone beeped, she received a text message, it read two words and a kiss, "I'm sorry x" from Gillian, she just wished that kiss was real.

That night she went to stay at Kate's, as much as she didn't really want to see her, she had to get out the house with the boys after John's latest antics. Once the boys were fed, settled and fast asleep, she went to bed with Kate, as they lay there, Kate fast asleep, Caroline's mind in over-drive. How she wished it was Gillian lying beside her, and not Kate. She couldn't stop thinking about Gillian, she really loved her.

As Gillian lay in bed alone, all she could think about was the empty space next to her and how she longed for Caroline to be lying next to her, she had a feeling her revelation earlier that evening had wrecked their friendship. Gillian really love Caroline and nothing was going to stop her getting the lady.


	2. Chapter 2 keeping it together

Alan was finally released from hospital. The day after he decided to move in with Celia, so she could look after him 24/7, this meant Gillian was taking a trip to Caroline's with them, to make sure Alan had settled in properly. Caroline was so excited she couldn't wait to get home from work just to see Gillian, all day she had been struggling to concentrate on work, Gillian was all she could think off. Gillian was so nervous trying to get ready, to look her best for Caroline, yet, she was extremely scared about how she may react when they see each other again since this was the first time they had spoken since Caroline found out about Gillian sleeping with John.

As the day went past, "slowly", every minute felt like an hour to Caroline. She had FINALLY finished work and left as soon as she could, she literally ran out the door. She arrived home, just an hour before Gillian was due to arrive, she quickly rustled something up for dinner for them all, blatantly, so she could spent more time with Gillian when she was through. She was even going to offer her to stay the night.

An hour later, once dinner was almost ready, Caroline heard the car pulling up into her drive. Gillian was quickly looking in the mirror to check if she looked alright, she didn't want to be over the top dolled up but she wanted to look exceptionally good. Caroline waited a few moments before running to her front door, once she approached it; she paused, took a deep breath and composed herself, before opening. As she opened the door, the first person she clamped eyes on was Gillian. When she realised how good she looked, Caroline's heart sank, '_has she done this for John?_' Caroline thought to herself. Her ever growing smile turning into a sad smile, a smile that hid everything she was ever feeling. As she went to turn back into her house, Celia shouted on her. "Are you not going to say hello?"

"Ofcourse, ofcourse, I think I've left a pot on, I'll be two seconds," Caroline replied as she waved over ever so slightly, she walked back into her kitchen, as she looked in the mirror she spoke into the mirror, '_what's happening to you_? _Pull yourself together.' _She couldn't bear to see Gillian; it only hurt her even more, than she was already hurting.

Gillian was none of the wiser as to why Caroline REALLY went back into the house, she genuinely did think she had left a pot on, but within the few minutes glance she got at Caroline, she fell back in love with her, just like it was the first time she had met her all over again. She just fell harder; she didn't think she could love her any more than she already did. But she was wrong. Gillian shook off her thoughts and helped her dad and Celia into the house with their things. She couldn't get Caroline off her brain, no matter how hard she fought.

Caroline finally plucked up the courage to face Gillian; she put her snobby head on, held it high and walked confidently through to her mother's flat, next door.

She walked in, walked straight over to her mother, and gave her a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek like she always did, "Hey mum, you alright?" then she walked over to Alan and shook his hand as he was sitting down, "Alan! How you feeling?" she asked, as he nodded, indicating he was good. Gillian couldn't take her eyes off Caroline's bum as she bent over. Next, was Gillian, Caroline could feel a strange cold tension that you could cut with a knife in the room; she didn't even want to ask what had happened on the journey there. Caroline didn't approach her, in fact she walked back to the door and leaned against the window, "hi," one simple word.

"Hi, you alright?" Gillian replied, smiling slightly looking at Caroline, trying to keep it cool and not end up looking like a twat.

"Fine." Caroline said, she couldn't bear to make conversation, it hurt. Alan and Celia were picking up the tension between the girls, luckily they couldn't quite understand what _kind_ of tension it actually was. Neither girls realised the type of tension either, maybe if they could they wouldn't be so cold to each other and realise how madly in love with each other they were. Caroline quickly changed the subject so she could stop talking to Gillian. It was too hard.

"So, mum, Alan, I'm making dinner for everyone, it'll be ready in about fifteen minutes," she took a long, pause full of thoughts, she realised she couldn't not invite her, so she finally looked at Gillian, "you're welcome, too." Gillian smiled and nodded, Caroline was dreading this, watching Gillian all over John at dinner was the last thing she wanted. Caroline nodded shyly which was completely out of character, no one could understand why she was acting the way she was. As she nodded she turned around and walked out the door, without saying a word.

"What's up with her?" Alan enquired with Celia, whom was looking more puzzled than ever.

"I'm not sure, she didn't seem this upset yesterday when she found out about, you know, what happened… I really don't know, but I'll find out, if it's the last thing I do." Celia stated, openly concerned about her daughters feelings. Gillian couldn't bear to look any of the two of them in the eyes, she kept her eyes firmly on the trees outside.

As Celia, Alan and Gillian all made their way through to Caroline's house, dinner was just being served and everyone sat around the table; Caroline was across from Gillian while John was at the end of the table. Caroline could see from the corner of her eye that John was staring at Gillian the way he used to look at her, it was making Caroline feel sick, it put her right off her dinner, she looked at it and began to play with it, there was no way she could eat it.

"You okay, love?" Celia asked, looking at Caroline, she could sense Caroline still wasn't right and seemed to be looking a little bit more heartbroken every time Celia saw her.

"Er, yeah, fine thanks, could you excuse me?" Caroline asked but before anyone could reply she had already moved her chair back and began to stand up. She walked into her bedroom and closed the door, as she sat on the edge of her bed, she threw her head back, holding back the tears. 'Kate, I'm going to phone Kate.' She dialled her number and waited on her picking up.

Gillian swiftly looked at Celia before looking away ashamed, "I think I'm going to head home. Tell Caroline I'm sorry," and with that she gave her dad a kiss on the cheek, he didn't retaliate, just sat there giving Gillian the cold shoulder. "Bye, dad, phone me if you need anything."

"Bye, love." Celia said.

"I will, bye." Alan said, he didn't know if he was more humiliated or upset in front of Celia's family, of all people. Gillian made her way to the door, as she walked out and headed to her car, John had also excused himself from the table, he loved Gillian and wanted to be with her more than anyone else in the world; apart from Caroline, and he was determined to make that happen.

"Wait, wait, Gillian, please, can we talk?" John pleaded with Gillian to speak to him, she reluctantly agreed, as the stood on Caroline's drive standing close, John pouring his heart out about his publisher and about how living with Caroline was a nightmare, Gillian couldn't bear hearing someone talk about the love of her life in such a bad manner.

"Kate? Hi, do you want to come over? Perhaps stay the night?" Caroline said down the end of the phone. "Good, I'll see you in half an hour. Bye." As she hung up the phone she made her way to the window to open it, she needed fresh air but didn't want to be bombarded with questions from her mother, Caroline was always the strong one and now she was breaking, her world was breaking and there was nothing she could do and it was only about to get worse. Once she had approached the window and took a deep breath before opening her eyes, she looked down and saw John speaking to Gillian, looking pretty cosy, Caroline swore she felt her heart break in two as a single tear strolled down her face, she just stood and watched.

Celia stood at Caroline's bedroom door for a few seconds before knocking, "come in," Caroline shouted, pulling herself together, wiping her face dry. "Hey mum, did you enjoy dinner?"

"Yes, the dinner was lovely as ever, but the company…?" Celia said, not saying anything else as she knew Caroline would know what she meant, she wanted her to choose to confide in her not for Celia to force it out of her.

"Nothing, I'm fine, don't be daft." Caroline replied, laughing it off as usual. Celia gave Caroline a look as if to say stop lying. "Mum, honestly I'm fine; it's nothing I can't handle!" Caroline continued, she picked up the rug and swept all her thoughts under it, she could never break down in front of her mother now, she was hiding it what was truly wrong so well, and she couldn't break now.

"Okay, love, if you're sure, you know where I am." Celia said, giving her daughter a massive hug, a hug she's been needing for a long time. Celia headed of back down stairs, Caroline sat on the end of her bed thinking, thinking about nothing in particular, just thinking. The next thing she knew Kate was standing at her door.

"Are you okay?" Kate asked, looking almost as worried as Celia did, half an hour previous.

"Yes, just kiss me." Caroline replied and with that Kate did as she was told, and kissed her.


	3. Chapter 3 Accidents happen

After Kate spent the night at Caroline's, Caroline decided she was going to try her hardest to make things work with Kate, even though she couldn't stop thinking about Gillian, she was 100% convinced Gillian was straight and nothing would **ever** happen. Caroline had someone who loved her unconditionally and decided she was not going to let a "stupid crush" –as she described it- affect that, even though deep down she knew it was much more. The thought of Gillian and John as couple or even just sleeping together repulsed her, she kept thinking, "Why him?"

Gillian couldn't stop thinking about what John had said about how he loved her and wanted to be with her, she thought that she should just go for it, even though she couldn't stop thinking about Caroline, she was 100% convinced she wasn't the least bit interested. Gillian knew she could force herself to make things work with John even though her father would totally disapprove and be ashamed, to a certain degree. The thought of Caroline with Kate repulsed her, she kept thinking, "Why her?"

* * *

Neither of the girls had spoken in a over a week, they thought it'd be better if they didn't keep in touch as often unless they had to, so it would be easier to get over and not hurt as much, yet not a minute went by when they weren't thinking of each other. If only they just admitted their feelings.

Gillian sat at home watching TV, picking up her phone and putting it down, constantly doing this for hours before she headed to bed. Even when she was in bed she slept with her phone on her pillow, just in case. She was desperate to text Caroline but she didn't see the point she knew it would only hurt more if she didn't reply.

Caroline sat watching TV doing work for school, she was going over Year 11 Grades, Kate sat across from her, just watching her, analysing her. Caroline kept picking up her phone and putting it down, this began to get on Kate's nerves. "Are you waiting for a phone-call or something?" Kate asked, This startled Caroline as she wasn't even aware of Kate watching her, she was in a daze of her own, thinking of Gillian. Caroline had to quickly come up with some lie of an excuse.

"Errr, yeah, one of the teachers is going to text me with the Year 10 Grades when she's done." Caroline said, lying through her teeth. Only she knew she was waiting on a text message from Gillian, when nothing was coming she swithered wither or not to text first but she didn't know what to text nor even if she should, little did both women know they were desperate to talk to each other.

"Oh okay," Kate replied turning her attention back to the TV, not fully convinced Caroline was telling the truth but respecting her enough not to question her.

* * *

A few days went by, Caroline got stuck into her school work and Gillian got stuck into her farm work, that's the only way they knew how to deal with these quickly developing feelings, even although they weren't seeing each other or even speaking their feelings still seemed to get stronger. Alan decided to go back to Halifax to visit Gillian; he planned to stay a few days with Celia. Once they got there and finally started to relax, Gillian asked Celia to help her with a few things, reluctantly and to keep the peace Celia agreed. Gillian needed to put something in the attic, once she had got the ladder out and aimed it to the hole in the ceiling; her and Celia worked out a plan.

"Can you pass me up the box and I'll pop it in the attic? I don't want you on the ladder in case you fall!" Gillian made it clear she didn't want Celia up the ladder, looking out for Celia's welfare rather than putting herself first, she was petrified of going in the attic but she had no choice. "But I'm going to nip to the loo first, two ticks."

"Okay," Celia replied, as Gillian quickly dashed to the toilet. The next thing Gillian heard was a crash and a scream.

"What the- CELIA!" Gillian shouted as she ran from the bathroom into the hall where Celia lay. "Are you okay?!"

"My leg, my leg hurts; I think I've broken it!" Celia replied, through her cries, she was in agony. She couldn't move her leg at all.

"I'll call an ambulance, Dad, DAD," Gillian shouted, as she fafted about with her phone trying to dial 999.

* * *

Once they reached the hospital, Gillian phoned Caroline, she was dreading having to talk to Caroline and tell her about her mother.

"WHAT WAS SHE DOING UP A LADDER?!" Caroline shouted down the phone as she ran to her car panicking like mad.

"I don't know I was in the toilet, I told her not to go up, will you calm down, just get here quickly!" Gillian said hanging up the phone. She couldn't bear to argue with Caroline over the phone. Caroline made her way to the hospital. She was taking everything in her stride like she always did. She knew her mum would be fine but couldn't help but worry and over think things. The worse she could have been a broken leg; she knew this, which relaxed her a bit.

* * *

Once she arrived at the hospital she was greeted by Gillian at the door, the minute the women saw each other all the angst and tension there was over the phone disappeared. It was like they had fallen in love all over again. Gillian froze still as Caroline ran over to find out where her mum was, this scared Caroline as she saw how scared Gillian looked.

"Are you okay? Where's my mum?" Caroline asked, holding it together, like she always did.

"Y-y-e-eah," Gillian managed to get out before coughing and pulling herself together. Caroline was the only person who could literally take her breath away and leave her lost for words without actually saying anything that would bring it on, sometimes she done this without even saying anything whatsoever. "Err, this way.. She's alright, just a sprained ankle." Gillian said putting her hand on Caroline's back to reassure her, Caroline nearly fell to the floor because of Gillian's touch; it literally made her weak at the knees.

"We'll talk about this later!" Caroline said, sternly as she walked into her mother's hospital room, she was lying with nothing on her leg as she needed to wait on the swelling coming out first.

* * *

After Caroline had made sure her mum was alright she decided it was time to confront Gillian, she was so angry at the fact her mother had been put in that situation where she was in danger. Caroline trusted Gillian to look after Celia, like she had done with Alan, so she couldn't get her head around what happened.

She headed to Gillian's land rover where Gillian was patiently awaiting Caroline's arrival. Gillian was wreaked with nerves, she didn't know what Caroline was going to say but she could tell by the look on her face how furious she was. As she swung the door open and got in, Caroline began to speak.

"What happened, then?" Caroline said, trying to hold all her anger back, she was angry at herself for being angry with Gillian but couldn't help it, her mother came first.

"I don't know I was in the toilet, I asked her to hand me a box up to the attic when I got back then the next thing I heard was a crash." Gillian said, trying to explain herself the best she could.

"What do you mean, you don't know?! My mother is lying there in agony. I trusted you to look after her." Caroline said, still reframing from shouting fully but raising her voice slightly, almost intimidating Gillian.

"Just what I said, Caroline, that's all I can tell you, she's going to be fine, so." Gillian replied.

"Look I know you don't like me and you're in love with John but there's absolutely no need to take it out on me or my mother, ok?" Caroline said, leaving Gillian stunned at what she had just said, Caroline didn't even believe she said it or even know why.

"Who said I didn't like you? Me? I don't think I did? And I'm most certainly not in love with John," Gillian replied, almost in total shock, _where had this all came from?_

"Oh come off it, I've seen the way you look at him, do you know what? You're welcome to him," Caroline replied, how had it suddenly turned into this conversation she most certainly didn't want to be having at that moment in time.

"You've seen the way I look at him?" Gillian scoffed. "Yeah, okay, then."

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Caroline said, getting angrier, because she thought she was being lied to, she had moved on she just wished everyone else would realise this. Gillian stopped to think for a second. It was now or never.

"I look at John like nothing, I wouldn't even class him as a friend, I hate the way he's treated you, if you've seen the way I look at him, how on earth have you not seen the way I look at you?" Gillian said, leaving herself lost for words after that revelation, she couldn't believe she had finally –almost- said it, it just slipped out.

"W-what do you mean?" Caroline said, getting butterflies in her stomach as she looked at Gillian waiting on a reply. All that anger she had felt minutes before suddenly slipped out the car window. No way did she think it meant anything.

"You heard me, I love you, Caroline, I actually love you." Gillian said, turning her head to look at Caroline, Caroline was speechless.


End file.
